As much as I love the things I think about in my work life–the perfect choice of words, how to brand a company via their website copy, the most persuasive way to bring in customers and clients–I never like to apply those elements of marketing to matters of faith. It’s painful to see Lutheran churches chase after silly marketing principles in a misguided effort to bring people in, when all they have to do is read the Scriptures to really understand Whose church it is and Who is in control of the church–and the people outside of it. (In case those capital W’s didn’t give you a hint, I’ll just say it: God.)

Still, if you’ll indulge me for a few paragraphs, I’d like to draw an extended metaphor using the methods the more liberal factions in the churches themselves use, in an utter failure in logic.

Simply put, their advertising is false. When a pastor and a congregation promise to uphold the Scriptures and the Lutheran confessions, and then turn to evangelical, Baptist, and nondenominational resources, methods, and worship in an effort to reach out to the culture, they are lying to people who walk in the door. They’re promising something–Lutheran worship–and then not delivering. If the Lutheran church were a franchise–say, Olive Garden–then anyone walking through the door should know what to expect. Good value wine, breadsticks, Zuppa Toscana. Sure, some of the wines vary from location to location depending on consumer preferences in that area and availability, but you generally know what you’re going to get.

Likewise, you should know what you’re going to get when you walk into a Lutheran church. The liturgy. A sermon with the law and gospel rightly divided. Closed communion. Of course some practices vary from church to church, but the general feel of a Lutheran church should be the same.

But it’s not. Visiting different Lutheran churches is like going on a cross-country road trip where you only stop and eat at Olive Gardens, and though they have the same name, the similarities end there. Some have great service, great food, and nice decor. Others are humbler but the food is outstanding. Still others stink at everything and are on the brink of being closed down by the health department. In some locations the staff is so over the top that you’re embarrassed to be sitting there and hope you don’t run into anyone you know.

Some Lutheran churches try to be as un-Lutheran as they can. Others are as Lutherany Lutheran as they can be. And, sadly, many Lutheran churches just don’t understand or appreciate what it even means to be Lutheran, and they’re in that wishy-washy middle ground where they’re neither very Lutheran nor very anything else.

Since these people brushing aside real Lutheranism love marketing so much, surely they must realize the irony of their not falling in line with their own church’s historic branding? And here’s the worst irony: they are throwing out the best part of what it means to be Lutheran. I can’t say they’re keeping the fluff, because Lutheranism is very substantive, but I will say that they’re throwing out the good stuff and substituting fluff.

Let’s say an Olive Garden decided it wanted to be more like Burger King, and instead of simply getting out of the Olive Garden franchise and becoming a BK, it started serving “Have it Your Way” pasta dishes and put in a drive-through window and serving ginormous Cokes in disposable containers. Olive Garden executives would never stand for that kind of brand dilution. It devalues the brand and is confusing to customers. If you want to be a Burger King, then be a Burger King. Don’t use the Olive Garden name and serve BK food.

I suppose you could blame our church’s polity on the way things are. With no central command, there’s less chance of the abuse of power, but also less chance of cohesiveness, of truly walking together, as the word Synod implies.

But with all their marketing savvy and cultural expertise, I do wish those non-Lutheran Lutheran churches would either get with the brand or break it off. They’re giving us all a bad name.